23

August 1st 2020

Admittedly this is probably my twenty-third time trying to write out something as simple as a blog post. As often as the words are coming together, I am usually nowhere near a laptop or a pad of paper, and my phone just isn't the same. And honestly, I don’t know where I’m going to go with this, but I’ve put this off for so long, I’m out of excuses. 

And I am the Queen of Excuses. 

That statement might come as a surprise, if you know me personally, you know I have always put myself out there as a hustler. Some of my closest of friends would comment, 

“Hannah, no one works harder than you do,” 

or 

“Hannah, you need to slow down, take time for yourself,” 

and instead, I would use that as fuel to go even harder, work longer hours, overbook my schedule, I ate that shit up. 

Many of my commitments in these past few years had me up before the sun, and working late into the night, day in and day out, seven days a week. I’d schedule school in there somewhere, extracurricular activities, lunches, dinners, then continue staying up late with more work, studying, and planning out my potential career. I’d get away with four to five hours of sleep at a time and then I’d start the whole thing over the next day. 

The reason for this overly committed lifestyle was not because I was running a business, building a brand, or finishing my degree - although that’s basically what I would give as my excuse anytime someone asked me. 

But thanks to this year’s force to slow down, I’ve been able to reflect on the fact that all I was really chasing was: validation. 

It is a chip I have carried on my shoulder for years, and something I recognize is a problem I need to work through, and that is my fear of being ‘not good enough’ in just about everything. 

Whether this fear has stemmed from being raised with high expectations, being told to ‘always exceed the bar,’ (and failing to do so when I graduated with a 2.7GPA in case anybody wants to dig), or from being bullied throughout most of grade school and seriously lacking in the friends department, or the easiest excuse of being a Gen Z and inheriting this plaque of entitlement, not being enough has always been the fear, and the fuel. 

It wasn’t until I became an adult, left home, and was able to make the first of my own decisions that I realized I could change this perception. 

Instagram was just taking off, and I was young, pretty, and impressionable. 

I’d love to skip over this part but I came here to be honest: I took up modeling, styling, a handful of commercials. Anything to get my name out there, anything that felt like a better light than the life I had been living before. I thrived on #girlboss quotes, career planning, packing my posts with anything and everything to show that I was busy. I was successful. 

I had exceeded the bar. 

Then came the validation that I had been looking for. Mean-girls from the past commenting “Wow, Hannah, you’ve really made something of yourself.” or 

“Hey, I know we didn’t talk much in high school, but we should get coffee! I’d love to hear about what you’re doing.” 

Or from my employer, “Hannah, we want to offer you a promotion, you’d be the youngest manager we’ve ever had.” 

Or from boys who would have never looked my way before, “Hey, I’d like to take you out to dinner sometime, get to know you.”

Or even from when my mom, who for the first time,  showed up to one of my work events, and from the look on her face, she was impressed. 

Something I had never seen before.  

Yup, you’re right, I ate that shit up too. 

All of a sudden I was best friends with the coolest people on the block.

All of a sudden, these people were wanting to not only hear, but listen to my opinion, wanting to know what I was ‘buying this season,’ who else I was hanging out with, where I was going, what I was doing, how I was doing it. I was having lunches, dinners and drinks with bloggers, influencers, local models, musicians, artists, business owners, and the list would go on and on. 

They say you are the product of the top five people you spend time with, and by the looks of it, I was one of them. 

I was enough. 

And yet, since then, I’ve gone from managing businesses and brands, to scrubbing toilets as a locker room janitor

I’ve gone from being one of ‘those girls’ on Instagram - monitoring the posts, the likes, the followers, mastering the ‘algorithm’ - to deactivating and deleting the account completely. 

I’ve found myself more alone than I’ve ever been, not just because of quarantine, but because almost every single friend I had made in this time, I’ve lost. 

And I feel like I am finally at a point to say: I’m okay with this. 

I saw a quote the other day that said, “If you had to describe yourself without using your profession, your talents, your awards or achievements, (or your social media accounts) who would you be?” 

This quote makes me think back to the day that Instagram and Facebook both deactivated for a little less than 24 hours - and everybody in a first world country was going stir crazy. 

Here’s what I think: with or without social media, our need for validation is a disease that comes from comparing how we appear on the outside. Measuring how much more it would take for us to be ‘somebody,’ for us to match the level of progress and success we have set in our heads, based on what everyone else has also put out there on display. 

It's a daily reminder I have for myself that at the end of the day, the only person measuring your real progress, is you. 

Growth is something that happens inward. It the one thing that happens that nobody can see, and it is especially strong when we are not enough of ourselves. 

Growth is not luxurious, nor linear, it will feel like a roller coaster because it’s got it’s highs, and lows. You’re going to have to get your hands dirty. It’s going to be messy, inconsistent, and not entirely in your control. And then if you are persistent to keep growing after all of that, you’re going to lose people, and not because you weren’t enough, but simply because you’ve outgrown them. 

When we are looking for validation, we are looking to blend in. Blending in means feeling comfortable, means feeling safe. It means as sense of belonging, a pre-perscribed dose of entitlement, a name card that says you are ‘somebody’ according to somebody else. 

When we are looking to grow, we are paving our own way. You’re going to walk that road alone, and fewer people are going to be willing to walk it alongside you. There’s going to be less 

“Good job!’s” and more “Are you sure?’s”. 

Growth means you're going to be questioning yourself more than everyone else that is questioning you too. To some, you might look selfish, you might look like you don't give a f*ck, you might appear to have gone off the deep end, or maybe they don’t even look your way. Maybe you’ve disappeared completely, you’ve been added to the list of ‘irrelevant’. And this may sound weird, but maybe that is okay too? 

Because now, you can blossom in peace. There’s no need to put on a show, no need to let everyone know, no need to look back at the crowd and ask “Did I do that well?” because no one is watching. 

2020 - if anything, has taught me how to be alone. Because when we are alone long enough, there is no one else to listen to but ourselves. Then we can hear, and feel, and respond to our needs, our wants, and our dreams, without another’s opinion. Only when we stand alone, is when we can measure our growth and see how far we’ve come. No matter how many friends we’ve made, how much money is in our account, or how many followers we have, will do that. 

To grow, we must stop seeking validation.